Crochetting the Rainbow :p

 

My rainbow crochet project. In this project, I will crochet (yarn being my medium of choice) seven items (for the seven colours) throughout this years. These items will be gifted to seven random people from all of you lovely people I meet online ;) I've already did various "craft it forwards" with no occasions.

This one is special. This one is close to me because I am a supporter and an ally of the LGBT community. Everyone around me finds it hard to understand but what the hell! I am the black sheep of my extended family and circle of friends and acquaintances.

I already made an intricate bracelet that I wear all the time and I'm quiet proud of it.

I will post pictures as i finish of these projects :p
Wish me luck :)

Crochet

When I learned crochet a couple of years ago, it was to waste time during a semester I took off university. Crochet now is a part of my life. I always have an active project or two in my project bag.

I would've loved some support from my family, alas, they see my crochet as I way to get attention. In fact, some still refuse to go out for coffee or something if I bring my crochet along.

Anyways, Crochet to me is a way to let go of what's bothering me and a way I can experience different textures.

Observations.

Sitting here at my favourite +Starbucks Coffee, I can't help but wonder about the people around me. I know I should be working on my assignments since classes start in a week; my inner geek is screeming at me to look down and start working.

Anyway, different people gather for different purposes. Outside, in the smoking section, some, like me, want the fresh air, so we are outside to enjoy the cool weather we are having. Others are here to hang out with their friends and enjoy coffee and a smoke. Then there are one or two weird ones who are obviously crusing everyone. you see their eyes flit and turn from table to table, to every new comer. Some guys, clearly bothered by the smoke wish they can go inside, but they are uncomfortable with the majority female who usually  fill up the non-smokers area.

One of my favourite things to do, is put my headphones in and listen to what people around me are saying. One thing you men need to know that even your whispering is EXTREAMLY LOUD.

A couple of guys beside me are commenting on what am doing, trying to guess what am I writing. One of them is thinking am talking about shoes, fashion, and style. I know, so sterotypical of females; thank God I'm different. His friend is commenting that with my hoodie, backbag, and jeans, I am as far away from fashion, as a girl can be.

Being the only female in the smoking section today, They are attempting to muster some courage to come and ask me about what I am blogging about. I doubt they will.

That said, I need to get back to my assignment. My inner geek is about to kill me.

2 AM - Depression

It is 2 AM where I am. As I begin to write this, I can't help but wonder what am I doing in life. I feelso miserable at times. I locked myself in my room because I don't want to see or talk to anyone. I hate myself tonight. I feel like crying and I know that crying will be a relief. If I cry, everything will be better, but tears won't come.

It's been almost 9 years since I cried last, the day my mother died. My friends want me to see someone, but I refuse. The inability to cry isn't really something dangerous is it?

Am I repressing my emotions? I don't really care.  Am I bipolar? All signs and indications point that way. I don't  want to see a psychologist or a psychiatric; I don't want to be pumped full of drugs. I don't want to lose even an inch of control.

I think I'm starting to be greatfull that I started this blog. even if no one is reading it, I can let some things go.

Raising up ignorant kids.

Too often in my circle of family, friends, and acquaintances, I see parents encouraging ignorance and stereotypes. Just yesterday, my sister was showing her kid videos of effeminate gay youtubers and encouraging her kid to mock them.

When I object to such behaviours, I am called "liberal", with a touch of "fag hag", and similar insults. After that, the argument, which often takes place in english (the language I'm more comfortable with), is translated to my Grandmother and I end up being lectured about the evils of homosexuality and how gays are diseased and somehow out to get me!! I forgive my grandmother, she's 93 years old and rather religious. My sister, on the other hand, should know better.

During this age, where as a Muslim woman, I am treated to various stereotypes, I cannot for the life of me understand why anyone would want to spread more hate and ignorance around!

Similar situations happen with my friends and their kids.

Am I really that different? I was raised with the same values, traditions, and religious observations as my siblings and friends. Why am I so different? I strongly believe that I am right. However, it gets lonely sometimes and I'm really tired of arguing.

The Best of Me

To all those who know me, I'm a pretty cool person.  Some will tell you I'm the sweetest person they know. Some will say, I'm the most arogant person on earth. If you find me in real life and asked me, I'd tell you I am close to prefection as a person can be without crossing the line into boring. Attogant? maybe.

In truth, I struggle with a depression that comes and goes. I'm not bipolar per ce, I theories that it is a defence mechanism that counteracts my usually happy and smiling self. I am always fine, I'm always perfectly content. Someone I know told me that the problem with being strong is that no one stops to ask "how are you doing?".

Except Her. That is right. She's my angel, my rock, my guardian. I've known Her (yes, she shall remain nameless" for the past 8 years now. She knows me like no other. I've wronged her a lot, but she stood by me, and supported me through some tough times. No matter what I do or say, she's always with me.

She's in my heart, telling me to take a chance and open up.
She's in my head, telling me to get up, move on, and seek perfection.
She's in my soul, telling me that no matter how far I go or how alone I feel, She will ALWAYS be there.
She is just a text or a phone call away.
She's the good in me, the joy and wonder.

And as the title of this post says, she is "the best of me"

Sometimes I wonder if I'm being fair to her. After all, I get the feeling that am burdening  her with my problems and troubles. However, a selfish part of me want to keep her hidden, keep her to myself.

She tells me that I always hate her friends/lovers. Maybe I do. I don't think it's jealousy. I simply think that no one on God's earth is good enough for her.

Words are beginning to fail me. She has that effect on me.

And no you bigoted idiots, I'm not a lesbian. However, even if I was, it is none of you freaking business.

Bless your hearts, and your imagination :p

Where does the name of my blog come from?

"Tuesday 3:00 AM.
And once again, I can't sleep. It's like I'm waiting for time to fix some part of me that keeps on breaking. I've already thrown out the newspaper, and washed the leftover dishes. Nothing to do, but sit here and think."

This part comes from a movie called " Latter Days". Released in 2003, it tells the story of a gay playboy who attempts to "convert" a Mormon boy living in the same building, but ends up falling in love. I saw many variation of the story; the bet that ends up a mistake, and ultimately they fall in love. You all know that story right?

Anyways, this specific part of the movie, deeply affected me, it takes around 30 seconds, maybe less, but man! at the end of it, I cried a bit. it is still my favourite quote from a movie. When I saw the movie a couple of years ago, I decided that whenever I start a blog, I am gonna call it Tuesday: 3:00 AM.

So here it is :)

Does talking about a GLBT movie means that I should start talking about sexuality? Gender issues? what do I think about them? I argue and fight about it all the time with my friend, my relatives, random strangers, you name it. But, as I tend to ramble on and on and one, I think this topic is better kept for another day.